Abandoned

fullsizerender-2I was chatting with some of my bereaved mom friends and also my good friend Tom Zuba author of Permission to Mourn: A New Way to do Grief as I recently struggled with the impending Thanksgiving Holiday. Thanksgiving has been a struggle for me since even before Katy’s death.  It was hard to be thankful when I had a very sick child who fought for every year of her life.

So as hard as it is to find things to be thankful for now, this is not a new struggle of me.

In addition to still trying to navigate my way through my new normal and just barely cracking open this chapter of my life titled grief.  Life keeps happening, and it seems the hits keep on coming. As much as I wish the world would be a little kinder, a little gentler, the truth is most of our world has moved on and wishes or thinks that we should do.  I am here to say WE will never… I WILL NEVER move on.  I have no desire to move on and leave my daughter behind.  It’s just not going to happen.  If you need that to happen to help you in your grief then I will respect that but YOU will need to move on from me.

I am not over dramatic.I don’t cry too much,  everything just hurts and I suffer from PTSD and it’s a very real, very scary thing.  A topic for another time.

I am not  lazy. Grief is tiring and hard work.  It’s emotionally and physically draining.  I am sorry that I sometimes cancel plans at the last-minute.

I am not crazyI am sometimes not in my right mind, I find it hard to concentrate.  I lose my train of thought.  I’m forgetful.  

I am not stuck in the past. I am dedicated to keeping Katy’s memory alive and keeping her a part of our family, and ensuring that Patrick and Riley have a relationship with their Big Sister. 

Thanksgiving was difficult… not going to lie.  We ended up making the best of it for our two littles here on earth… and pray we made our KatyGirl proud.

We kept some traditions like making my mom’s homemade stuffing! This was Riley’s first year helping.

We also made some new ones… like eating Thanksgiving dinner in our jammies!! Patrick made a place setting for Katy so we lit a candle for her durng dinner.

Then we spent the afternoon playing Board Games! While Riley took her post tukey nap!

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